Cast of Fictional Characters

Mikey Lavender (Manager of Student Residences): Loved and hated by all resident students. Always wears stained Notre Dame sweatshirts. Coaches the college basketball team. Taught one class on Fyodor Dostoevsky’s The Idiot. The college president wonders what motivates Lavender.

Johann Schreiber (fine arts degree student): Spends much of his time hidden in his bedroom, where he masturbates to images of naked art models. Curiously, he has a passion for telling racist jokes and stripping male students of their clothes (hazing).

Hunchbum (economics student): Suffered a serious nervous breakdown from Schreiber constantly addressing him as Hunchbum. Hunchbum’s father hired top-notch lawyers to deal with Johann's belligerent behavior, but to no avail. Hunchbum is now in his room, packing his clothes, so his ancient father can take him back home.

Raymundo Pidzaweasel (social studies student): Considered extremely narcissistic and equally arrogant; does not tolerate anything he doesn’t morally accept. Behind family doors, he and his kin (and others) discuss ways of exterminating those they intensely hate, particularly gays, whom he refers to as ‘those shitty little faggots’. Surprisingly, plans to be a psychotherapist.

Michael-Jeffrey Tory (classical literature student): Established the undergraduate newspaper and was elected president of the undergraduate government. When his young mother died from a brain hemorrhage, the neurosurgeon quietly informed him that he, too, would die early like his mother. Overwhelmed by depression, often staggers home from the campus pub, dead drunk.  

Time

The college year has just begun, and the time is now.

Synopsis

Vanity. Alcoholism. Sexual obsessiveness. Submissiveness. Narcissism. Serious depression.

SETTING

Second floor of college resident townhouse.

AT RISE

Raymundo Pidzaweasel is walking behind Michael-Jeffrey Tory.

Michael-Jeffrey Tory

(intoxicated, glances back at Raymundo Pidzaweasel and points to his own bedroom)

Fuck?

In a momentary physical seizure, Raymundo Pidzaweasel’s testicles shrink to the size of electrons. He rushes into his bedroom and slams the door.

Hunchbum snaps his luggage closed and then paces his room as he waits for his father to whisk him away.

Mikey Lavender, still wearing his soiled Notre Dame sweatshirt and holding a copy of Fyodor Dostoevsky’s The Idiot, bursts through the townhouse’s front door, but he doesn’t know why.

In the backroom, Johann Schreiber groans with sexual release.

(BLACKOUT)

(END)

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QUESTION: Did a drunken Michael-Jeffrey Tory deliberately ask Raymundo Pidzaweasel for immediate sex or did he sarcastically tell the annoying narcissist to move out of his life and exist in (hopefully) a different universe?

Copyright © 1975, 2020 Pierre-Elliot Trudeau Lane, written by Michael-Jeffrey Tory, Mississauga, ON

Communications by request.

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