WHAT'S UP, WOODY? —image credit photographer via Google

So, I have this inferiority complex about being a good writer. I’ve won all kinds of awards, but still feel inadequate. I have been in the business for half a century. I try to be witty. I try to be deep. I try to impress people. Then this Jack Daniels guy bursts onto the scene and they act like every word out of his mouth is so great. Little old me? Everyone forgets I exist. I’m not going to admit Jack Daniels brilliant. I refuse. Because then I’d have to kill myself.

Woody Allen
Actor, film director, comedian & playwright - New York City, USA

LUST SELBST IST NICHT DER FEIND —image credit photographer via Google

(German to English translation by Harry Pulaski)

I happened to be walking along Unter den Linden when I suddenly became aware of a gentlemen exiting Hotel Adlon Kempinski Berlin. Even though I had no idea who he was, I do recall feeling overwhelmed by those gorgeous eyes of his. Curiously, I also began to feel that telltale tingling sensation running up and down my spine. Later, and after I discovered who this man is, I carefully read over all of his books, and could only conclude that Jack Daniels was not just a beautiful man, but also a genius without compare. There is more than a little Germanic blood in him, I think.

Angela 'Mutti' Merkel
Bundeskanzler von Deutschland - Berlin, Bundesrepublik Deutschland

A SHORT STEP FROM LUCIFER'S HONEST GRACE —image credit photographer via Google

Now let me be perfectly clear, the silent majority of God-fearing, patriotic Americans, will hate this Jack Daniels fellow. He’s cunning, duplicitous, vainglorious, and should be despised and ridiculed by all decent human beings. His subversive, piece of trash book should be burned, and he should be imprisoned for his many crimes (I have no idea what he’s guilty of, but I’m suspicious of everyone). Yet, somehow, I feel a strange affinity for Mr. Daniels. I think he’s just swell!

Richard Nixon
President of the United States

THE IMMEDIATE SUDDENNESS OF SHOCK —photo/images provided by PPCAD - RF

I was having lunch with Jacob Zuma in Pretoria when we first heard of the news. Jack's death was a kind of intense shock in both of us. We just sat there for a long period of time and didn't say so much as one word. Sometimes absolute silence says it all.

Banto Shilowa
CEO, Vodacom Group - Pretoria, South Africa

HOW COULD ANY SENSIBLE PERSON HATE JACK DANIELS? —image credit photographer via Google

(English to English translation by Dr. Robert C.Cunningham)

I was sitting up at a bar in LA when I suddenly felt this person brush by me. I hate that. I really hate when someone casually brushes by me. It makes the tiger blood in me boil. Especially when it’s a man who’s better looking than me. Anyway, it turns out it was the famous writer Jack Daniels. What a big ego that dude has, just because he knows how to write. Me, I don’t have to write, I’ve made so much money I can hire people to write for me. Besides, writing is boring; getting drunk or stoned is much funner (is that a word?). Anyway, he was with this crazy-hot chick, so I pretended I was a fan so I could impress the babe and get in her pants. I even told him I loved his stupid book. Yeah, like I’d read a book …

Charlie Sheen, American Actor - Mexico

TOTALMENTE SOZINHO COMO UM CORPO FRIO —photo/images provided by PPCAD - RF

(Portuguese to English translation by Carlitos D'Souza)

Essentially, Brazil completely stopped when we heard of Mr. Daniels' unexpected death. It was like suddenly losing your parents, along with your dear wife and children, and then you realize just how lonely you are. Loneliness is a soul cracker.

Femando Haddad
Bolsa de Valores - Rio de Janeiro, Brasil

TOE'TA'LEE OVERWHELMED BY JD'S SUDDEN DEATH —image credit photographer via Google

I was standing on the elevator and heading up to the 36th floor when Gibby gently elbowed me.“Do you know what just happened earlier today, Opie?” I was trying to be funny when I said, “The world has come to a deadly stop?” Gibby didn’t laugh. “Some crazy guy in New York City has just killed Jack Daniels!” And that’s when my entire body went into a toe'ta'lee emotional freeze shock.

Oprah Winfrey
Media proprietor & talk show host - Chicago, USA

接受不了 —photo/images provided by PPCAD - RF

(Chinese to English translation by Huang fu Zhuang)

I was brought up in China where Chairman Mao Zedong was considered to be a God. He wrote the “Little Red Book.” Jack Daniels is like Mao come back to life, and this time with an even bigger book! I dreamed constantly of Chairman Mao as a girl, and now as Jack Daniels he is even sexier…I mean wiser, than ever. Nothing is more appealing than a man with a big book.

可愛的黃教授
社會學家 - 北京

CLEANSING HUMAN SOULS —photo/images provided by PPCAD - RF

I first and only met Mr. Daniels in Honolulu’s Lulu Lounge, and it was there he autographed one of his books for me; and I must confess, I immediately fell in love with Mr. Daniels. I wasn’t the only one. I recall one young woman (and she did this directly in front of Mr. Daniels) got down on her knees and solemnly told him, “Thank you, Jack, You have cleansed my soul.” In a way, Mr. Daniels cleansed all of our souls.

Makaio Ka'uhane
Retired - Hawaii, USA

IN MEMORY OF MR. JACK DANIELS —image credit photographer via Google

(dryly reciting from 'So Happy I Could Die')

Eh-eh, eh-eh
Ye-ha, ye-ha
Eh-eh, eh-eh
Aha-aha
Eh-eh, eh-eh
Ye-ha, ye-ha
Eh-eh, eh-eh
Aha-aha

Lady Gaga
Entertainer & Philanthropist - USA

ORDER EQUALS STABILITY —photo/images provided by PPCAD - RF

Funny, it was my youngest grandson who asked me to read two of Jack Daniels’ books: Kid Patagonia & Awakenings. I was astonished and super-impressed in the way Mr. Daniels defined order and how order affects everything that exists. Early this year, and based on my strong recommendation, the US Sec. of Def. provided all military personnel with copies of both Kid Patagonia & Awakenings. We now have critical intelligence on our side.

Conrad Fleming
Vice Admiral, U. S. Navy - Retired

평등의 어려움 —image credit photographer via Google

(Korean to English translation by Duck-Hwan Hwang)

There is only one white man I fully respect and his name is Jack Daniels. Of course, he was inspired by me. He came to North Korea once and saw the paradise that I created. He went on to become a magnificent writer; second, of course, only to me. I wrote over 100 books by the time I was 16, but those imperialist SOB’s still refuse to give me the Pulitzer! As for Jack Daniels, with just the power of the pen, he has committed even more crimes against humanity than me. And when I attack and destroy the world with my super-duper, invincible, really big missiles, I will spare only him. Oh, yes, and the guy who invented ice cream.

김정은
총수
조선민주주의인민공화국

EIN GENIE WEIT GRößER ALS MEINE —image credit photographer via Google

(German to English translation by Durante degli Alighieri)

Jack Daniels has written a book that is stunning, brimming with prescient intellectual insights that are bound to inaugurate a paradigm shift in Western metaphysics. Jack Daniels is not just a writer – he is a way of life. His book stands tall amidst the pantheon of literary greatness. Even a decomposed cadaver like me can easily see that!

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Deutscher Schriftsteller und Staatsmann - St. Elsewhere, Laniakea

EINSTEIN’S MEANINGFUL SUGGESTION —family photo collection

I happened to be visiting my Aunt Millie down in South Carolina when I got an urgent call from Einstein, who was then vacationing in a large mason jar.
"Gregor," he says to me, "I've had this remarkable insight into the meaning of the space-time continuum.” I asked him what it was, and he told me to get a copy of Jack Daniels’ book and find out for myself. I followed Einstein's instructions and must admit he was dead on right.

Emeritus Prof. Gregor Trowbridge et le professeur universitaire Riley -
Metaphysics, MIT – Boston, USA

IGNORANCE HAS TRUE VALUE! —image credit photographer via Google

The first (and only) time I met Jack Daniels was when I was having a leisurely drink at this bar. He kept talking and I just kept nodding my head. I smiled and listened for over an hour. The guy seemed so sure of himself, so confident in what he was saying. I finally got up to leave, shook his hand and thanked him for enlightening me. He must be really profound, because I couldn’t understand a damn word he said.

Jerry Seinfeld
Comedian - NYC, USA

THE BEGINNING

THE PAST

CRUMMY JERKS TAKE NOTICE: Crunch, crunch, crunch

[above] Bugs Bunny, Philosopher & Expatriate/Shangri-La, Tibet
—image credit photographer via Google

“What’s up, Doc?”

        It’s my favorite greeting, but this time I was speaking to a local hospital doctor, who was might quick to respond to me.

        “We don’t admit rabbits in here!”

        “Hey, what d’ya mean ya don’t admit wabbits in here?” I didn’t bother trying to hide my surprise or my offense.

        The doc stood up as straight as he could and looked down his nose at me. “The federal government forbid cartoon characters from receiving any form of medical treatment in American hospitals.”

        “What the…?!” I screamed at him. “Hey, doc, are you kidding me?”

       “I never kid around, Mr. Rabbit.” This doc was too solemn for his own good.

        The doc’s response really rattled my furry head, so I stopped chompin’ on my carrot and looked him dead in the eye. “That’s MR. BUGS BUNNY to you, doc.” Then I started chompin’ away on my carrot again. Big crunches, I’m telling ya, no little nibbles. “Besides, doc, this don’t make no sense, see? Last week this here same hospital removed a piece o’ sharp glass from the bottom o’ Pepé le Pew’s little foot.”

        “Well, it was yesterday when we were firmly instructed to reject all cartoon characters,” the doc said.

       I got right up in his face, close enough to kiss him (though no way that was happenin’!).“That can’t be right, doc! How can ya discriminate against us dimensionally challenged characters, eh?”

        With a slow shake of his head, he said, “But that’s exactly what we were told.”

       By now I’d just about had it. “But that’s crazy ‘cuz that Trump jerk and his whole Trump o’cabinet are pretty much cartoon characters!”

        The doc sighed. “That may be, but they have the power and rabbits don’t.”

        Sheesh!

        Seriously depressed, I called Hillary Clinton, and she told me I needed to talk to Jack Daniels.

        “The problem is, Bugs, I don’t have a direct contact number for Jack Daniels.”

        “So, eh, how da ya reach him then?”

        Hillary cleared her throat. “I go into one of our bathrooms and stare into the mirror until he appears.”

        Now I don’t wanna get consoined or nuttin’, but I figure it’s gonna be a long time before Hillary recovers. Me? I’m a slugger. I can take all the crap people toss at me.

        But for the next little while, I’m just gonna take it easy in a Tibet monastery and read everything that Jack Daniels ever wrote. Then this wascally wabbit is gonna come back home and start fightin’ any crummy jerk who wants to limit the rights of all. And that ain’t no lie.

Bugs Bunny

Philosopher

Expatriate/Shangri-La, Tibet

I'M OKAY, BY THE WAY

[above] Donald J. Trump, President of the United States of America
—image credit photographer via Google

So the evil ones (yeah, you know who you are), they refer to me as a sexist, a pervert—and, yeah, okay I do love women. They’re beautiful people. And nobody respects them like I do. Believe me—a racist, a bigot, a xenophobe (hey, Steve, what’s that mean?),  a liar, a cheater, a fascist, a fearmonger, a bully, even a cartoon-character type. And they also—cruelly, I might add—stupidly describe me as narcissistic, anti-Semitic, regressive, retarded, homophobic, megalomaniacal, provocative plus a dedicated misogynist, a white voyeur, and a depressed guy who only has one testicle and an itsy-bitsy tiny pecker—RUDE!

         Can you believe that?! Me being rude?! Haven’t these effing morons ever read any of my tweets?

        And by way, just to let you know how I learned to deal with these terrible, terrible little weasels—they call themselves journalists, but they’re lying—has to do with Little Miss Piggy. Yeah, Little Miss Piggy, though I have to say she’s not so little, if you get my meaning. Just look at her. Yuuuuuuuuge, absolutely disgusting, an epic disgrace and a total disaster. Anyway, Little Miss Piggy was working in one of my political campaign offices and one day she just shoves this crazy book right into my ribcage.

        “It’s called Awakenings,” she says to me, “and it’s written by this really clever guy.” Then she quickly adds, “though only half as clever as you, Mr. Big Boss.”

        So after I fondled Little Miss Piggy’s beautiful rounded butt, (which, by the way, didn’t happen in the locker room, but we’ll say it was because what happens in the locker room stays in the locker room), I read the book’s first page. And you know what? I just couldn’t put it down.

        I have to say thank you—and, just so you know, I’ve thanked hundreds of people … sure, mostly in the locker room, but that counts. And not to digress, but I will, I’ve been told by many, many, many people that I—and this is totally true, folks, believe me—I’ve actually set a world’s record for thanking people. No one in the entire history of the universe has ever even come close to that record of thanking as many people as I have thanked. So, anyway, thank you, Mr. Jack Daniels, even if you’re a complete fraud.

        And you know, it just popped into my head—and it’s a great head, by the way—Jack and I have something in common. And I don’t mean that lying, outright fraud thing. No, no. That’s just the beginning of the amazing similarities. We’re both cool, okay? And I gotta say, by the way, that when I say cool, that’s not a locker room thing, okay?

Donald J. Trump
President of the United States of America
Washington, DC, USA

WHAT I WANTED WAS A CRYSTAL PALACE, NOT A KRISTALLNACHT

[above] Madam Secretary Hillary Clinton
—image credit photographer via Google

I was looking at myself in one of our bathroom mirrors. “I can’t believe it! How could I be defeated by a totally meshuga nut like him?”

        And then like a flash from nowhere, Jack Daniels was there, standing behind me, the two of us looking at one another in the same bathroom mirror.

        “Few people trust you, Hill.”

        Still nervous about what had happened, I said, “What?”

        His reply came with no hesitation. “A high percentage of voters did not have faith in you.”

       I frowned, annoyed. “No. No. No. What are you doing back here, Jack? Weren’t you shot to death a number of years ago?”

        Jack shook his head in a somewhat sad manner. “You’re having a nervous breakdown, Hill. You obviously need someone you can trust, and that someone just happens to be me.”

        He snapped his fingers and was gone.

        A typical exit for him, I should say.

        But fantasy or not, Jack was perfectly correct: I was having a nervous breakdown. Even worse, the United States of America was experiencing a mental breakdown. Fortunately for me, my good mental health would soon return, but for the United States—and this was the really sad part—we would have to endure four extremely humiliating years under this nut’s presidential regime. It was sure to be bizarre. And should those four years turn into eight? Well then I would be prepared to say that our blessed God has a professional degree in extreme sadism.

        “Jack? Jack!” I pleaded into my bathroom mirror. “When will I see you again? Soon I hope? Haa! … Pleeeeeeeease!”

Madam Secretary Hillary Clinton
Currently Unemployed
Chappaqua, New York

USA